


The Lady from Another World

by Dinoman666



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Crossover, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Suggestive Themes, This is entirely self-indulgent and I apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 00:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18159110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dinoman666/pseuds/Dinoman666
Summary: Church tries to show Tali the meaning of Halloween. A bit of slice-of-life goodness.





	The Lady from Another World

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic (though I do have experience writing RP and so on), and it is WILDLY self-indulgent, so I apologize in advance; it's mostly just a warm and fuzzy fic to be honest. For those who want context, this is based on a Red vs. Blue/Mass Effect crossover (which mostly just boils down to 'what if Project Freelancer was an Alliance black ops project instead of UNSC?'), and takes place after the events of the Chorus Trilogy as well as the Mass Effect trilogy. Admittedly, the crossover is more complex than this, but for the sake of a short story, I'm keeping it simple. Anyone who wants more details is free to ask! Oh, and one final note: this story will use a lot of headcanons about Quarian biology that my girlfriend Seeker (seekerwing4.tumblr.com) came up with awhile back. None of these are confirmed canon, just for fun!

"I don't know, Church, isn't this a little... offensive?"

A stereotypical Arabian belly dancing outfit? Yeah, no, that was probably pretty offensive, as many 'sexy' Halloween costumes were. But Church was anything but subtle, and he was surprised Tali hadn't called him out on it yet. Maybe she was more concerned about the whole racism thing, which... was fair, yeah. He shrugged.

"I guess? I mean, I don't think anyone's gonna give a member of another species shit about it, if that's what you're worried about."

"I don't want to come off as ignorant, either! Besides, it'll be cold."

The two of them were standing in the aisle of one of those local Halloween stores that only opened when the holiday itself had almost arrived, picking their way through cheap costumes to wear--or, more accurately, Church was just trying to find something cute for his quarian girlfriend to wear.

"Oh, c'mon, it won't be _that_ cold," Church protested. Tali's unamused expression was easily visible, even through her translucent mask.

"Church, I'm a _quarian._ Our homeworld is mostly desert. Sixty degrees is sweater weather for me."

Oh, right. Quarians thought anything above ninety was a lovely day.

"Alright, fine, I'm sure we can find something else that..."

"Covers more?"

There it was.

"Hey, I was just making a suggestion. No ulterior motive at all."

"Of course you were."

Tali chuckled a little bit, before turning back to the rack of outfits to continue her search. It didn't take long for her to pull out one of the sealed plastic bags with a small 'aha!' and turn to show Church.

"See? This looks much better!"

It was, in fact, a thick and cozy-looking parka, which mostly just confused Church at first. Who thought a jacket with a fuzzy hood was Halloween-y? Probably the same person who thought a belly dancer costume was appropriate, so he decided not to judge. Especially when he took a closer look at the packaging and realized what it was: ripped straight off the cover of _The Thing._ The jacket itself looked to be caked in (fake, obviously) frost and bloodstains, a dark veil could extend down from the hood to obscure the wearer's face, and the outfits' left glove was replaced by an alien-looking plastic hand with creepily long fingers. Fitting.

"Oh hey, I remember that movie. They're still making stuff for it? Go figure."

"This is from a movie?"

"Yup. _The Thing._ It's about a bunch of scientists in Antarctica being picked off one by one by a shapeshifting alien monster."

Tali shot him a deadpan look.

"...it's very old. I'm sure nobody thinks alien shapeshifters are trying to eat them anymore."

"Right."

"We're totally watching it tonight, by the way."

"Of course we are. I assume you have a copy?"

"If it's not on the extranet somewhere, I will eat my nonexistent hat."

Tali rolled her eyes and tucked the costume underneath her arm. Despite the disapproving tone of her voice, a slight smile was on her face--Church could see it in the way her glowing eyes scrunched upwards just a little bit.

"Well, before we go home, you have to pick out a costume for yourself, too. I'm not letting you get away with wearing a bedsheet the whole day."

"...who told you about that?"

"Who do you think?"

"God dammit, Caboose."

\---------------------------------------------

The best part about Church and Tali's home on Earth was that it was hermetically sealed from the outside world, allowing the quarian to safely take off her mask and suit--especially since it had been, what, two years since the whole Reaper business? Her people had had plenty of time to adjust their immune systems with the help of the Geth, and while Earth wasn't the ideal location to do that, she could at least walk around unprotected inside her own home. Even if she did get sick every once in awhile. The time between such episodes was getting longer and longer, though.

And that meant Church got to see her mortified expression every time something disgusting happened in _The Thing._ Which... was a lot.

Funny thing about wearing a mask your entire life: it's very hard to try and keep your facial expression neutral when you've had a helmet doing it for you for so long.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were watching a comedy," Tali grumbled. She tried to shoot Church an annoyed look, but the way she was cuddled up to him on the couch kind of ruined the moment. She almost looked _too_ annoyed, to the point that it came off as more of a pout. Adorable.

"C'mon, you can't blame me for getting a kick out of how horrified you look." He was practically grinning from ear to ear, and doing his absolute best not to laugh. Too much, anyway. There was only so much he could handle.

"You're just lucky I stuck around after the disembodied head grew spider legs." Tali shuddered in disgust. "Never again."

"Okay, in all fairness, I should've warned you about that. Bonus points for facing your fears, though."

Well, she had hid her face in a pillow after that until the scene ended, but it was close enough. 

Church chuckled a little bit and reached over to rub the quarian's back, careful to avoid her shoulder blades--a number of feathers lined the upper back and outer thighs of quarians; some sort of vestigial feature from prehistory, apparently. They weren't necessarily oversensitive, but ruffling them was generally an uncomfortable feeling, and he did his best to stay aware of that, even if she had a shirt in the way at the moment.

"If it makes you feel better, I don't think they double down on the spider legs. We're close to the end, anyway."

"You promise no more spider legs?"

"Promise. Just mutant dog stuff. They really got a kick out of the mutant dog stuff."

"You really know how to make an evening romantic, Church."

"We can watch Fleet and Flotilla later, if it makes you feel better."

Judging by the small smile on Tali's face, he figured that did the trick.

\---------------------------------------------

"So, in retrospect, I see why getting you that costume was probably gonna be a dumb idea."

Tali was standing there, proudly decked out in her (much too large) Halloween parka, weird alien glove and all. Well, not all, since the boots didn't fit, and she didn't need the veil thanks to her mask... but otherwise, not bad at all. An interesting combination of creepy monster and puffy marshmallow. She attempted to cross her arms in a huff and give Church a pointed glare, but her sleeves made it a bit difficult to pull off.

"Yeah, I don't think you would see the appeal of it while I have my suit on under it," she remarked. Church (in his arguably even sillier pirate costume) shrugged sheepishly.

"Look, I got a little excited. Can you blame me?"

"Yes."

"...touché."

It was probably for the best; they may not have been trick-or-treating, but kids still came by their house every year for candy--Tali didn't need to risk getting sick just to give out treats. The pair of them happily handed out candy at their front door--which was really more of an airlock than a door--and did their best to try and be scary in the process. Church came up short, but Tali struck a surprisingly intimidating figure to a kid. The glowing eyes probably helped as well.

Regardless, everything went about as smoothly as one would expect on a Halloween evening: candy was doled out, kids went from screaming to laughing in half a second because Church's pirate accent was god awful (never let it be said that he can't enjoy himself on occasion), and, unfortunately, a couple teens had the audacity to throw eggs at the house. Tali was half-tempted to go back inside and grab her shotgun, glowering angrily as the troublemakers ran back off into the night.

"You know it's not worth it, Tali."

"It feels like it should be. They're little racist bosh'tets."

Right, not everybody in the area was fine with an extraterrestrial in the neighborhood. One would think the shit with the Reapers would've made people a little more tolerant of each other.

"At least eggs are the only things they're throwing. Look, don't worry about it. I'll get it cleaned up and call the bastards' parents."

"I guess that's better than trying to shoot them..."

"Hey, I bet I can convince them to put shaming signs on their kids and post it somewhere. Would that make you feel better?"

"...heh, maybe."

Tali paused as the two of them shut the door and went back inside.

"...you know I wasn't going to actually shoot them, right?"

"Yeah, but I also know you would've done something _way_ worse instead."

"...you can't prove that I was the one who erased the last kid's computer hard drive."

"I rest my case."

\---------------------------------------------

Another Halloween in the bag. Church had to admit, he was glad everything went over well. The two of them hadn't actually been here for very long--neither of their lives had exactly allowed for a stable living space that wasn't a spaceship or a dusty box canyon until recently. Just took a bunch of crazy adventures and near-death experiences, no big deal.

Still, he was a bit worried about Tali. She had been a little annoyed ever since the evening ended on a sour, egg-covered note, and he didn't want a couple of pranksters to ruin the holiday for her--even if it was a human holiday.

The quarian had darted off to go put her clunky costume away in storage for the time being, while Church waited in the bedroom, idly spinning around in his desk chair and musing on what to do. Maybe he could just make tomorrow an extra fun day for her? Buy her flowers? Did she even care about flowers? God dammit, they'd been dating for two years and he still wasn't sure what he was doing. Then again, he'd never exactly been a romantic professional, had he? Go figure.

Right when Church was about to say 'fuck it' and go talk to her about it, the door opened. He turned in his chair, opened his mouth to speak... and then just sat there like a slack-jawed idiot.

So, she _had_ bought the skimpy outfit all along. When, he wasn't entirely sure, but he also didn't really care. Shocking, isn't it?

Tali stood there, hands on her hips and a _very_ smug grin on her face as she took her time to appreciate his reaction. Her pale, glowing eyes and long, dark hair contrasted rather nicely with the color palette of the costume, and it really did leave little to the imagination. Hell, it even accentuated the curving stripes along her skin--something he hadn't even thought about at the time. But, if he was being honest, seeing her smile was by far the best part about the whole thing.

"What, are you really that surprised? I like looking good just as much as you like ogling me."

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Church awkwardly cleared his throat and stood up. "Uh, ehe, right, no, I know, it's just--"

Tali, no doubt aware that a stammering Church was a nonfunctional one, sidled up to him, arms lacing around his neck in an affectionate embrace.

"Church, honey? Relax. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate what you've been doing for me."

He quirked a brow, almost instinctively hugging Tali around the waist as she idly fiddled with a lock of his hair.

"What, you mean for Halloween? All I did was suggest... well, you know--look, you're just really pretty, okay? I wanted to show that off."

Tali, a light purple blush in her cheeks, giggled and took the opportunity to snuggle closer.

"No, no, I meant for... well, everything. You didn't exactly have to come along with me back to the Normandy."

"I like to think I owed you for saving my life."

"I tried to kill you the first time I met you, remember?"

"You wouldn't be the first, trust me."

"Don't ruin the moment, Church. I already have to deal with this stupid top itching my back feathers."

"Oh, is that your excuse to speed this along so I can take your top off?"

"...less talking, more kissing."

"Love you too, Tali."


End file.
